Aren't you tired of reading about ways to lose weight and lose fat and fit in that bikini? How about ways to gain fat and lose muscle? Look at Renee Zellweger in Bridget Jones Diary. Doesn't she look cute in that playboy bunny outfit? It didn't hurt that she made a lot of money out of being fat.
1) Make sure you have a closet full of loose fitting clothes
You need to ensure that you purchase clothes that are at least 2 sizes over your current size. This is to ensure that any fat gain is not restricted by tight clothing. It might make it difficult to breathe and cause you to pass out. Not a good thing.
2) Don't eat breakfast
This is crucial in your path to fatsville. As your body has been starving overnight from sleeping, you do NOT want to encourage your metabolism to work efficiently and burn fat at the beginning of the day. If you can't handle not eating due to hunger, make sure your breakfast consists of fried bacon strips, deep fried eggs, croissants, deep fried hash browns and a glass of full cream milk.
3) Choose fatty meats
The fattier, the better! It is important that you choose fatty processed meats like sausages, bacon and corned beef. Beef has more saturated fats than fowl. It also has more cholesterol, suitable for clogging the arteries and promoting fat storage. Remember these three meats: pork, beef and lamb. It's also better to eat them raw. This will ensure your colon provides a conducive environment for all the parasitic worms that may decide to rent your big intestine as their new home.
4) Choose white refined carbohydrates
Great for constipation. Choose white bread, white pasta and white grains. Stay away from whole wheat products. Make sure that you don't drink 8 glasses of water a day. This will help re-circulate the toxins back into your system and create a sluggish metabolism.
5) Load up on sugary foods
Most of the desserts we love contain massive amounts of sugar. Choose cakes, ice cream, sodas, sauces, candy, doughnuts and beer. Sugar turns to glucose for instant energy but excessive sugar is great for storing as fat too. So have a field day with this one!
6) Increase the LDL fats
This is a no-brainer. But for those with sluggish brain cells, please ensure that your fats intake are mainly saturated like those from meats, eggs, organ meats, lard, coconut oil, butter, palm kernel oil, some dairy products and ghee. Let's help our body create more cholesterol in the process.
7) Don't drink water
Only consume soft drinks, milk shakes, beers, fruit juices and coffee. We wouldn't want to encourage the elimination of fat and toxins from the body now, would we?
8) Eat 3 main meals and 3 snacks a day
Have a hearty heart-clogging breakfast, fast food for lunch, a buffet for dinner and a few servings of ice cream or doughnuts for snacks. Do this often. At least 5 day a week. You'll be on your way.
9) Skip the fruits and vegetables
If you must have vegetables, make sure they are cooked in butter or lard. Cut out the fruits. They won't help you gain much fat, unless you cook them in butter too.
10) Be a couch potato
This is everyone's favorite activity. The only exercise you'll ever need is to point your remote control to your TV set and click. It will give your finger a good workout without jeopardizing your fat gaining plan.
This is also a pretty good plan to execute when you have had a good fatty meal. Better yet, make sure you have a bowl of caramel popcorn or anything crunchy when you watch a horror or suspense movie. The faster you chew, the more you eat, the better!
That's it! Not so hard is it? Anyway, give it a try. If you don't get sick by the end of the month, at least you'll get fat. Oh, by the way, make sure you have a really good health insurance plan. Your family won't have to worry about paying for your medical bills when you keel over from the heart disease you're going to get by next Christmas. At least they'll still have money for the Christmas presents.
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